Car: Not at all.
The exchange before that one – I must have uttered a sound as I took my seat – went like this:
Car: Please say it again.
Me: It.
Car: I’m sorry, I can’t understand it. Could you word it another way?
Me: The non-gender-specific, third person, singular pronoun.
I suppose I should celebrate its limited skills a little; so far, at least, it gives me hope that AI will not catch up and conquer humanity in the not-too-distant future as some experts claim. Not on the evidence I have witnessed.
Of course, these days there are plenty of voice-activated or talking appliances and machines (kitchen appliances, lawnmowers) but you can’t really sit down and have a decent heart-to-heart conversation with them. A modern vacuum cleaner, for example, would not be able to debate the pros and cons of MMP with you.
And you might look a little silly to onlookers if you asked your fridge-freezer how parliamentary overhang occurs and what its ramifications are. That might be better directed to the washing machine.
In Car and Driver magazine, I read of a new Chinese-built Mazda which can take car conversation to a completely different level. Yes, the Mazda CX-6e can be programmed to yell profanities at people in traffic. You can type or record your own chosen profanities and blast them at the chosen moment through an external loudspeaker system at the press of a button.
Your message can be as tame and well-meaning as “Please look up from your phone” to a person about to step from the footpath, or something obscene directed at another motorist doing something inconsiderate such as indicating wrongly at a roundabout.
The content, imported from Instagram, can apparently be as potty-mouthed as you wish at this early stage of development. I see this system getting out of hand, given many people’s mastery of the vernacular and their exuberant use of the car horn, so I’m sure there will be interesting stories to come.
But back to my own talking car. Eldest son was here recently and naturally enough wanted to test drive Dad’s EV. He declared everything to be pretty much as he had expected but wasn’t ready for the torque. “Talk about torque!” were his actual words as he came close to losing the tail end of the car during intense acceleration.
“Wait till you see this,” I boasted and I asked the car to lower the driver’s side window. Its response: “I’m sorry, I don’t hear any music playing.” Well that certainly raised a giggle from my son. I can’t remember the ensuing conversations; suffice to say they were enough to have him screaming with raucous mirth by the end of our short drive.
You might be wondering why I don’t just switch off the voice facility in the car. Well, it’s not because I can’t work out the digital procedure – though I admit I can’t. No, it’s simply because I’d be crazy to eliminate such a reliable source of humorous entertainment.
Laughter is, after all, the best medicine.
So, if you’re a bit down in the dumps and need someone to chat to, you’re welcome to come and converse with my car. It won’t offend you with profanities and I can almost guarantee that you’ll leave with a smile.
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